Films Banned From the Ark
by anna1795
Summary: Otherwise know as: Why Prowl Has to Add Movie Pre-Screening to his Schedule


Hey, y'all! I know, it's been a really long time since I posted anything that's not been related to The Freelancer Collaboration, but I'd like to try something new now. It'll be similar to Freelancer Prank Wars, in that this sequence of one-shots will be humor-based and on reader request, but it'll be for a different fandom. So, with that, I'll be taking requests henceforth for films that should'nt be watched by the Ark crew. I just need a title, a thing you want to see happen in the chapter, and a reason why that film should be rejected. However, I will not be accepting requests for R-rated films or higher. I want this to be enjoyed by as many people as possible. Enjoy!

* * *

The Earth-bound Autobots and their human allies all held some truths to be self-evident (even outside of what the United States Constitution claimed):

1\. The Decepticons had little to no regard for human life,

2\. There would always be some weirdos out there who considered Optimus Prime to be Robo-Jesus, and

3\. Never make Optimus Prime sad or disappointed.

There were horror stories among the troops from eons ago. Optimus Prime would never shout, which might've blown the audial receptors of those troops that failed him with a single explosion of that rumbling baritone vocalization in an enclosed space (on the battlefield, it was fair game). The far more effective method was disappointed wrinkles of facial plates around flashing blue optics, which had base psychologists booked for groons with the subjected 'Bots immediately slumping into near-depression. Pit, Smokescreen still kept a running _series_ of ledgers of the designations of those who had come to him solely because they had been on the receiving end of the Prime's Kicked Turbopuppy Optics.

"I made visors that the troops could use to stop them from being affected by The Optics," Wheeljack patiently explained to Spike one day when Mirage had gone slumping towards Smokescreen's office after a meeting with Optimus in regards to a significant portion of crude oil stolen from some offshore rigs by Decepticons under his olfactory sensor.

"Why isn't anyone except Jazz wearing visors, then?" Spike asked cautiously, wondering if Jazz's brilliant blue visor might spontaneously combust at any second before remembering that his visor was not a creation of Wheeljack's, but considered a part of his kibble.

"I made them just from tinted glass, but they still exploded when Prime flashed The Optics!" Wheeljack exclaimed sullenly, his headfins flashing a depressed blue. "Damaged enough optics that Ratchet banned me from making anymore."

Spike was stunned. "They were just tinted glass!"

"Yeah, but at least Jazz got a kick out of it. When we were back on Cybertron, he got into a habit of slipping them onto Shockwave's drones whenever he was infiltrating Darkmount. Even painted a couple of them with stills of The Optics on the inside of a few of them." The inventor's fins flashed a little brighter. "He said that those drones blew up like it was your Independence Day."

* * *

The Autobots had quickly latched onto the idea of Movie Nights as a means to learn about Earth culture, and what could be friendlier than Disney movies? Sparkplug told some amazing stories of when he and Spike were young and grew up with the filmed antics of the House of Mouse's creations. The two humans decided that a great introduction to the sequence of animated features would be a classic, 'Bambi.' And so it was, that the entire crew of the ark were settled into the rec room on a Thursday evening with a VCR hooked up to the massive television and Sparkplug explaining to Wheeljack and Bumblebee how the cassette tape worked "No, Wheeljack, I can't let you have this one! I remember what happened to my handheld radio and brand new toaster. I'll go to a secondhand store or something and get you your own VCR to play with, but I actually want mine to keep working and not randomly spouting out slices of toast to the tune of 'Oh, What a Beautiful Morning' when you're done with it!"

"The premise of this video is just of an organic animal, Spike?" Optimus rumbled to his human compatriot, asking for confirmation. "And you humans enjoy such stories?"

"It's become a staple of American childhood," the younger human replied with confidence. "It's cute and harmless, but there's something so charming about it! My dad still likes it, and look at how old he is!" Spike then nimbly dodged the wrench hurled at his head by his grumbling father, a habit picked up from a smug Ratchet.

"Shush!" Bluestreak stage-whispered. "It's starting!" The Autobots all sat enraptured as the beautifully painted backgrounds slowly scrawled past to the low hum of several human voices and soft string instruments.

"Hound, doesn't that look like those forests we saw when driving through Vermont?" Trailbreaker mumbled to his friend.

"A little bit," Hound replied. "Though these trees look a little more…flat than what we see in real life."

When the animals in the movie started talking, Sparkplug had to shout over the many questions coming from the Autobot congregation that no, humans did not understand animals in real life as they did not share a common language, and thank you for the offer, Beachcomber, but not many people would be interested in widely using a universal translator when the Decepticons still posed a threat to society. The blue mech slumped back down into his place on the floor dejectedly with a gentle pat on the back from Hoist.

Grimlock huffed when Bambi's mother explained how the large buck who had appeared and practically ignored the young fawn was the Great Prince of the Forest. "Him no king! Me Grimlock king!" Then it was patiently explained to Grimlock that Prince was a title considered lower than that of King, which appeased him somewhat. "Good. Organic know that he not king because Grimlock king." Everything was proceeding smoothly until the hunters came and attacked the meadow. Swoop, Slag, and Sludge nearly panicked when all the deer on screen began running in the opposite direction, away from the unsaid danger, and had to be tackled to the ground by Wheeljack and Ratchet to keep them from bolting in a Dinobot stampede. A good portion of the Autobots even shuttered their optics when Bambi, his mother, and the Great Prince were bolting out of the meadow, pursued by gunshots, but even Optimus let out a sigh of relief when the two main characters appeared unharmed in the next scene.

"I think this is going well!" Spike whispered from behind the couch to his father as the winter sequence started winding down and the filmed arrival of spring was in sight. "Good suggestion."

"Nothing like a nice calm movie to relax a couple of eons-old warriors from beyond the stars," Sparkplug agreed with a nod and a stroke of his stubbled chin. "Think they'll like the rest of the movie?"

"I think if they can make it after the Scene, they'll be golden."

"The Scene? Why did you put emphasis on that word?"

Spike looked incredulously at his father. "Don't you remember the one scene from this movie that scarred your childhood?"

"What? You mean when Bambi gets shot? Or…oh…" Sparkplug trailed off in his whisper, eyes going wide. "Think they can handle it?"

" _Quick, Bambi, to the thicket!_ " And the music and gunshots started kicking up. Spike and his father could only watch with horror as Optimus' eyes widened. " _Faster, faster, Bambi! Don't look back!_ " Other optics were turning to look at the Autobot leader, and nobody needed to see to listen to what happened. The last gunshot rang out, and The Optics were back in full force.

* * *

Smokescreen hugged the sobbing mech in his arms gently. "I promise, Tracks, the humans have assured me that the film was entirely fictional. It was sad, and you can feel sad for Optimus, but take comfort in that we're still alive, okay?" The red and blue mech nodded and sniffed before trudging out the door and past the line of wailing mecha still lining the walls. The Ark's psychologist could only sigh before shaking his head and calling in the next mech. "Come on in, Ironhide. Would you like some tissues?"

* * *

That Saturday morning, after Prowl had convinced Hoist and Grapple to ignore Optimus' orders for a giant paddock adjoined to the Ark and Jazz had surreptitiously cut the phone line that allowed Optimus to contact every protected wildlife refuge and wildlife rehabilitation center in the hopes of acquiring their entire herds of deer, a new sign was posted on the wall of the rec room.

BY ORDER OF AUTOBOT COMMAND STAFF, ALL MOVIES SUGGESTED FOR MOVIE NIGHT WILL HENCEFORE BE PRE-SCREENED BY APPROVED STAFF MEMBERS. ANY FILM THAT DOES NOT MEET ESTABLISHED CRITERIA WILL BE PUBLICLY POSTED.

Right below that was another sign:

SIDESWIPE AND SUNSTREAKER, YOU WILL ELIMINATE ANY AND EVERY MICROSECOND OF FOOTAGE OF THE BAMBI INCIDENT IN EXISTANCE THAT DOES PLAN ON BEING UTILIZED AGAINST THE DECEPTICONS.

-With love, Autobot Command


End file.
